In my earlier blog, I mentioned the Brazilian team. While they were here and occupied with another activity, one evening we went by the main hospital in Maputo to visit the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). One of our Mozambican friends who has helped us very much over the years with translations and general assistance in circumnavigating the difficult bureaucracy here had married while we were on furlough and his wife had just had twins. However, one of them was quite small and in the NICU. The custom here is that the doctors don't tell you much unless you really insist and no one questions them or asks questions. So, we see things like people with high blood pressure taking arthritis medicine and no one is asking questions.
Anyway, we couldn't get information from the family and Ann (and our dear team-mate Sharon - who has twins) were concerned that perhaps there was something more we could be doing. So, Ann and I with one of the leaders of one of our churches went up to the unit before visiting hours and were to meet the father there. We arrived first and even though we weren't supposed to be there, we are those ugly Americans who will talk to anyone. Fortunately we had a Pastor with us to help us with the cultural things. The first clue was that the baby's name was not posted on the hand-written list on the window by the door into the unit. The second clue was that we kept getting the run-around (indirect culture) in the folks we talked to (no HIPA here). Finally we connected nurse (Ann) to nurse and learned that the baby had passed away around 1 in the morning (it was about 1630 when we climbed the four flights of worn stairs). The family hadn't been notified yet as the visiting hours didn't start until 1730.
In the culture, they won't tell the parents this information - you must go through an intermediary. Had the father come up first, they would have told him nothing until an intermediary came. This may seem odd but in a culture where conflict is resolved through intermediaries, it is consistent. In our time here, we have seen how intermediaries can often deflect and disarm conflict much better than the directly involve parties, so we can see merit in this as we learn a new normal. So, because we were there, we became the intermediary and it was our job to tell the parents. Very very difficult and certainly a glimpse of cultural differences. The parents had no clue. The Pastor helped us with the clues and cues, but felt it was culturally our job and we have long learned to trust him. We thank God for this precious man who loved us through this experience knowing our hearts were heavy yet full of love.
We were waiting in our car when our friend came up and we had to tell him this heart-breaking news. He entered our car for the privacy it provided in a busy place. The grief was consuming and after a time of crying and praying together, we went to his car where the mother was waiting with the other twin, who is healthy and beautiful. Ann sat with her and told her this news. Then we all cried and prayed together again. After a time, the Pastor took them home where the family was assembling as notifications were made through text messaging.
In the culture, the next decision is whether to have a funeral / memorial service or to let the hospital "take care of things". A memorial service was scheduled, but then canceled at the last minute, as the hospital did indeed take care of things. It is different but in a culture where infant mortality is very high, and baby's are often not named for some time, to be sure they are 'ok', it is not so unusual and we've seen this before. It is different, it is hard, but can it be anything but hard? I pray our words were enough for that horrible moment in time, but more importantly that God's peace and comfort reigned in this deepest valley.
A very hard day and the parents will be expected to suck it up and not speak of it again. Very difficult, very different, but it speaks of cultural difference. It is important we don't judge - it is not wrong nor is another culture right, it is just different. The grief is real, it is huge, it is oppressing, and we must put our trust in the God of Hope, for there can sometimes be no words, no answers, and just our love for one another that overflows over a grief that is so strong.
Give them your presence and strength precious Lord. Accept this child into your arms and shower your peace, love and presence on this precious couple and their surviving baby. For it is only in you can we place our trust, even in the darkest of places. Amen.
Dave and Ann
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:11
"Finally brothers,...comfort one another, agree with one another....and the God of love and peace will be with you." 2 Corinthians 13:11
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